WASHINGTON January 14, 2011. Today, the Republican leadership of the House of Representatives revealed their long-awaited alternative to what they refer to as “Obamacare”. The new program, dubbed “Citizen Physicians Corps” has received overwhelming support from the Tea Party and the insurance industry executives who drafted the legislation.
Explaining the “Citizen Physician” program, Speaker John Boehner used an analogy to the political system with which he is intimately familiar. “We have seen that government and managerial experience along with education are not guarantees of success.” The House leader continued, “Philadelphia Eagles Jon Runyan's congressional victory against the experienced Harvard-educated lawyer John Adler and perennial candidate Christine O'Donnell's surprise primary victory over beloved veteran congressman Mike Castle are but two examples that show that experience and education count for very little. If it's good enough for Congress, it's good enough for health care.”
House Majority Whip Eric Cantor provided details of the program. “Why do physicians need to go through expensive medical school followed by years of internship and residency to perform even the simplest procedures?” he asked. “This is driving costs upward when our doctors need to pay back their six-figure loans.” Instead, Citizen Physicians will be required to take a two week correspondence course followed by a simple test. “We don't want just anyone to become a citizen physician. So we test them three times.” Cantor continued, “In each test, we see if they can distinguish their ass from a hole in the ground.” (Editor's note: Please do not confuse this with Jon Runyan's tax-exempt donkeys or Chris Christie's Tunnel to Nowhere.) “If they get it right two out of three times, they are qualified.” Cantor went on, “members of the Citizen Physician Corps will be paid minimum wage so that we are able to drive down medical costs. As part of the program, we have exempted them from medical liability so that the expense of malpractice suits is eliminated.”
Cantor added, “In order to protect people's tenth amendment rights, the use of citizen physicians will not be mandatory. Those who can afford to employ elite college-trained surgeons are still free to do so on their own.”
To achieve maximum cost savings, the program will start with those specialties that are the most expensive. A one-year pilot program will be kicked off next month to get citizen physicians started in the area of neurosurgery. While vociferous criticism was raised by the American Medical Association, Cantor remarked, “You don't have to be a rocket scientist to do brain surgery.” Real rocket scientist Congressman Rush Holt (D-NJ) was unavailable for comment.